Fairness

"Fairness does not mean everyone gets the same thing. It means everyone gets what they need."

This is never more evident than in a household with a special needs child. Bambam was born when the older boys were 10 and 10 1/2. At that time The Quiet One was not living with us. So Miracle Boy felt the brunt of the changes. He had to learn real fast that fair does not mean equal.There were many days when he had to "fend for himself" in one manner or another because we were tied up with Bambam. In some ways he had to grow up faster than their peers. And sometimes it makes me sad.

Gone were the days of big family vacations. Gone were the weekend skiing trips. For several years my ability to volunteer at his school or athletic events was not a possibility. I even began missing some of his events. I had never missed an event before. He had longed for years for a sibling that lived in our household, used to cry for The Quiet One to move here. Be careful what you ask for, he got way more than he bargained for. This was not what any of us had planned.

The fact is, we hadn't planned any of it. Bambam was a bonus. So while we were trying to adjust to the idea of a third child, we got the additional shock that he was a "difficult baby". Which eventually lead to autism and a host of comorbid diagnoses. And there is no way to make things equal in a house with typical and special needs children. And sometimes even to determine what they all "need".

Bambam's needs are fairly evident: He needs therapies (OT, PT, SLP), social communication classes, adaptive activities, many doctor appointments, etc. I pick him up from school an hour early every day and take him to one of his appointments or activities. I work with him at home. We rarely leave him unsupervised (only if he's in the next room and we can hear him and check on him easily). He commands the bulk of our time and financial resources.

The older boys are mostly understanding. Although we sometimes get comments. For example, its been a long standing rule in our house that we do not buy our kids the latest electronic gadgets. When Miralce Boy got his first iPod, he paid half of it and we paid the other half as his birthday present. Since then, he has bought his own technology. But when Bambam was 5, we got him an iPad. One of the boys made a comment about Bambam getting an iPad when they don't have one. My response was "If you would like to change places with him, be a 5 year old autistic kid who struggles every day to navigate a world that is hostile but get an iPad; I'm sure he would love to be a 15 year old kid with lots of friends, a job, doing well in school, a girlfriend, etc. but give up the iPad" We've never hear another word about what Bambam has. I really think they get it and they want their baby brother to have all the help he needs.

But, there are still days I'm left to wonder, are the older boys getting what they need? I no longer worry about fairness, life simply is not fair. But, how much are we short changing these 2 other kids? There are times it feels like we are forced to pick which child to help. Do we funnel all of our resources into Bambam to help him learn life skills he so desperately needs? Or do we funnel some of them into Miracle Boy's college tuition to help him grow and learn and be the best that he can be? Miracle Boy is capable, he's bright and personable and has great potential. He's done well in school and has lofty goals. I feel like he's earned a reward of some assistance with tuition. But is this a need? How do I choose which child to help?