They Will Be OK

I worry. I'm a mom. Its what we do. And I'm really good at it. I worry all the time. About all my kids. Am I doing enough? Am I doing it the right way? Am I teaching them what they need to know? Helping them to reach their full potential? And the dreaded Am I yelling too much?

I try really hard to be a patient mom. Really I do. But I'm human. And I fail. All the time. I yell way more than I'd like to admit. At all my kids. But when I yell at The Boy, it somehow feels worse. Most of the time he is not acting out to be defiant. His mind and body work differently, and he often can't help what he's doing. I know that. But it can still be frustrating. And sometimes I loose it and yell. Not necessarily at him, but yelling just the same. Then I feel like a despicable human being wanting to crawl away and hide. I worry about the effect the yelling may have on him.

I'm sharing this because I'm hoping I'm not the only one out there who sometimes looses control and yells. And because I want to share that I think our kids are going to be OK in spite of us. The reason I think they are going to be OK is in part due to an interaction I had at the grocery store yesterday.

The Boy has been struggling with severe anxiety for a couple of weeks. And I mean SEVERE ANXIETY. If I leave the house without him, even if he's staying with Mr. Fixit, he cries the whole time I'm gone. It is not fun. We've all been feeling the pressure from his anxiety. So, yesterday I needed to go grocery shopping. I gave The Boy the choice of staying home and playing outside with daddy, or going with me. He insisted on going with me. Really. 

He was great during our shopping, a very good listener and helpful. While waiting in line at the cash register behind The Cat Lady (I'm not kidding, she had 2 carts FULL of cat food both dry and canned, but I digress) he saw some big stuffed animals about 20 feet away. He wanted to go see them but I had to stay in line waiting our turn. I told him he could go look at them by himself, look with his eyes only not his hands, no touching. He looked over at them, looked at me, looked at them again and then with a pained expression he said "Not today, maybe tomorrow". With his anxiety on high alert, it was just too much for him to walk over there by himself. I encouraged him again, but didn't push it. 

He eventually ventured to the front of the line where The Cat Lady was bagging her groceries and had a conversation with her. I have no idea what they talked about, I couldn't hear from where I was standing. I've taken the stance that if everyone looks happy and it doesn't appear that he is bothering the other person, I let them figure things out on their own. People generally respond positively to The Boy, so I didn't really think much of it. I paid for my groceries and moved to the front to bag my groceries.

The Cat Lady stopped me with a touch to my arm. She very sweetly said "I want to commend you on how you interact with your son with love and respect." I was a taken aback, and momentarily at a loss for words. I mean, we haven't exactly been having a rosy time lately and I've lost my patience more than once in the last few weeks. I stumbled over a few words and said something about trying, but not always succeeding. Her response was "Well, you must succeed more often then you realize because your son also responds to you with love and respect. He learned that somewhere." And then she smiled, winked and moved on. 

It was exactly what I needed to hear. It may be exactly what you need to hear too. In spite of our humanness, our short comings, our failures, I believe our kids will be OK. 

Dear Couple...

Dear couple standing behind us in line at the grocery store, 

I'm sure you are usually very nice, polite, and respectful people. But not always.

We could hear you. I can assure that while you were whispering about my poor parenting and his bad behavior and maybe there is something wrong with him, that there is nothing wrong with my son's hearing. If I heard you, I can guarantee he did too. His hearing is 10 times better than mine. He can hear a hushed conversation in the next room through a closed door. Yes, he heard you talking about him. 

And the pointing and furtive glances were a little obvious. 

I realize his behavior is different. It can be almost unbearable on the bad days. A meltdown from sensory overload in the middle of a grocery store is not fun for anyone. In the entire store. But today was not a bad day. Today was actually a pretty good day. I would even consider it a win. 

You see, he did his very best to keep it together while we stopped at the grocery store for a couple of needed items on our way home. This was after a full day of school and an additional 1.5 hours of speech therapy. 

For my son who is autistic, a full 6 hours of school and the speech therapy on top of it pretty much takes everything he has. But I made the decision to push him a little today and make the added stop on the way home. And he was working really hard to maintain during this stop. Yes, he was bouncing around more than most kids would. And yes, he was talking a little too loudly, and about the same thing over and over (wanting to eat the bagel he had selected). And I'm sorry he bumped into you, but he did stop his verbal stimming (look it up) and said "I sorry". So, I honestly think he did a great job. A definite win. 

I realize that you didn't understand. Some times I think it's easier when he has a really bad day. At least then it is obvious to most people that he has special needs and is not just misbehaving. But on the good days, when he could almost "pass" his challenges are not as obvious. What looks like a typical kid misbehaving and acting spoiled is actually a child with challenges working really hard to mitigate them. At a time when he deserves praise and acknowledgement, you are judging and condemning him. And me, but I don't really care about me. I've grown pretty thick skin.

So yes, you heard me right as we were walking out of the store. I did tell my son that he did a great job. That I was very proud of him for doing such a good job in the store. I saw you turn around and give me that "look".  Was it disapproval, disbelief, disdain? I'm not sure but it definitely wasn't a look of encouragement or understanding, that I know for sure.

I wasn't sure how to respond to your look. I honestly don't encounter that look very often. I'm grateful that we most often encounter understanding, encouragement, and accommodations. So your attitude, your look, took me a little by surprise. Not knowing how to react, I simply smiled at you and guided my son in the other direction while he happily munched on his bagel.

I realize the world is full of uneducated, judgmental people. And I simply do not have time to education all of them. My priority is my son. But I would like to ask of you just one simple thing. Be careful when you judge what you see. Things are not always as they appear. Sometimes a smile of encouragement might be more helpful than a judgmental sneer. A little kindness goes a long way. Just a thought. It might make some mama's day just a little bit brighter.

Signed,
One proud mama of her special boy