I worry. I'm a mom. Its what we do. And I'm really good at it. I worry all the time. About all my kids. Am I doing enough? Am I doing it the right way? Am I teaching them what they need to know? Helping them to reach their full potential? And the dreaded Am I yelling too much?
I try really hard to be a patient mom. Really I do. But I'm human. And I fail. All the time. I yell way more than I'd like to admit. At all my kids. But when I yell at The Boy, it somehow feels worse. Most of the time he is not acting out to be defiant. His mind and body work differently, and he often can't help what he's doing. I know that. But it can still be frustrating. And sometimes I loose it and yell. Not necessarily at him, but yelling just the same. Then I feel like a despicable human being wanting to crawl away and hide. I worry about the effect the yelling may have on him.
I'm sharing this because I'm hoping I'm not the only one out there who sometimes looses control and yells. And because I want to share that I think our kids are going to be OK in spite of us. The reason I think they are going to be OK is in part due to an interaction I had at the grocery store yesterday.
The Boy has been struggling with severe anxiety for a couple of weeks. And I mean SEVERE ANXIETY. If I leave the house without him, even if he's staying with Mr. Fixit, he cries the whole time I'm gone. It is not fun. We've all been feeling the pressure from his anxiety. So, yesterday I needed to go grocery shopping. I gave The Boy the choice of staying home and playing outside with daddy, or going with me. He insisted on going with me. Really.
He was great during our shopping, a very good listener and helpful. While waiting in line at the cash register behind The Cat Lady (I'm not kidding, she had 2 carts FULL of cat food both dry and canned, but I digress) he saw some big stuffed animals about 20 feet away. He wanted to go see them but I had to stay in line waiting our turn. I told him he could go look at them by himself, look with his eyes only not his hands, no touching. He looked over at them, looked at me, looked at them again and then with a pained expression he said "Not today, maybe tomorrow". With his anxiety on high alert, it was just too much for him to walk over there by himself. I encouraged him again, but didn't push it.
He eventually ventured to the front of the line where The Cat Lady was bagging her groceries and had a conversation with her. I have no idea what they talked about, I couldn't hear from where I was standing. I've taken the stance that if everyone looks happy and it doesn't appear that he is bothering the other person, I let them figure things out on their own. People generally respond positively to The Boy, so I didn't really think much of it. I paid for my groceries and moved to the front to bag my groceries.
The Cat Lady stopped me with a touch to my arm. She very sweetly said "I want to commend you on how you interact with your son with love and respect." I was a taken aback, and momentarily at a loss for words. I mean, we haven't exactly been having a rosy time lately and I've lost my patience more than once in the last few weeks. I stumbled over a few words and said something about trying, but not always succeeding. Her response was "Well, you must succeed more often then you realize because your son also responds to you with love and respect. He learned that somewhere." And then she smiled, winked and moved on.
It was exactly what I needed to hear. It may be exactly what you need to hear too. In spite of our humanness, our short comings, our failures, I believe our kids will be OK.
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