If Only

It seems I've been living in a world of "if only's". Since Bambam was very young and we realized there was something "different" about him, "if only" has been a constant phrase in our house.


"If only Bambam could walk, things would be so much easier."

"If only Bambam could talk."

"If only Bambam could pee in the potty."

"If only Bambam could poo in the potty."

"If only Bambam could swim." 

"If only..."

"If only..."

"If only..."

And it seems, he has accomplished each and every one of the "if only's". In his own time, in his own way. But accomplished them just the same. And I've learned a lesson. Its not an "If " its a "when". I've learned NOT to assume my child cannot gain a new skill. I no long say "If Bambam can accomplish...." I now say "When Bambam accomplishes..." Because he will. Never count that kid out. His determination and grace (Not physical grace, he's the clumsiest kid we have. But inner grace and beauty) are amazing to watch. I have no idea where his path in life will lead him, but it is an amazing journey to watch. And I'm so thankful I have a front row seat.

Money Matters, the Sequel

I wrote a post the other day about how important it is to me to teach my kids financial responsibility. And not just for there own good. But for selfish reasons too. I really don't want them living in my basement when they are 30 years old.

My post explained how I've been working on this with Miracle Boy since he was 5. And I hope he got it. Or at least enough of it to be able to stand on his own 2 feet while he figures out the rest.

But, The Quiet One is a totally different story. As I've said in prior posts, I inherited The Quiet One when he was almost 16. Almost grown. Habits firmly in place. And he has absolutely no idea how to manage money. I don't know if he's ever been taught anything about money management or budgeting or anything. But from the looks of how he spends money, I'd guess not.

Since moving into our household, he has had the same rules and guidelines as Miracle Boy. He started working the week he arrived, has been required to save half of his paychecks, and is responsible for his own spending money etc. He was fortunate in that a family friend of his mother left him a pickup, which we helped him sell since he didn't need the vehicle. The money was put into a long term savings account. It gave him a little boost, put him close to an even playing field with Miracle Boy. However, that's were the similarities end.

It seems we've made some rookie mistakes. We've treated him the same way we treat Miracle Boy, but unfortunately, he hasn't had the same foundation. We've told him to put half his paycheck into savings, and not to spend any of his savings. Upon checking a while back we were shocked to find that not only has his savings not grown at all in a year and half, but it has shrunk by one third! Yikes!

At that point we took away his debit card and cancelled his access to the savings account. He now has to hand over his paychecks to Mr. Fixit, who deposits half and gives The Quiet One the other half in cash. And it seems to be working...for now.

But my concern is, he is almost 18. In less than a year he will graduate from high school and move out. Is that enough time to teach him how to handle money? At a time when we should be stepping back and watching him take the reigns (albeit under supervision) we are stepping in and taking over. How will that work or help him when he moves on?

Yes, He's Special

"I watch daily as my youngest son approaches the world with a happy disposition and a smile on his face. And in amazement I see that almost always, the world responds with a smile right back at him. It seems most people do not mind the extra time, effort, patience it takes to interact with him. They are captivated by his pure enjoyment of life. It is so true that when you smile at the world, the world smiles back. I witness it every day"

I posted that on my facebook page the other day. It is so true. I do witness it every day. Every. Single. Day. 

Today as I dropped him off at day camp, the intake counselor sees us coming and yells "Hi Bambam! I'm so glad you are here today." But she's not the only one. All the other counselors say hi and/or give him a high five. Even the ones that aren't part of his group. They all know him by name.

We run errands on our way home. At the bank, all the tellers talk to him. Engaging in whatever he wants to talk about. Each one offers him a sticker. He says thank you to each of them, grinning from ear to ear.

We stop by his educational aide's house. She contacted me to see if we could come visit. She misses Bambam during the summer, hasn't seen him since the last day of school. They hug, talk non-stop, she hugs him several more times as we are leaving. 

We go to the pool to cool down. Walking through the athletic club, all the employees greet him by name, give him high fives. In the pool as he plays with another little boy (which is huge and a topic for another post) I visit with the other mom. She watches Bambam and says "His smile, its infectious. How can you ever get mad and discipline that boy? He is the sweetest thing."

At the grocery store he engages with the lady in front of us. She is patient, smiles, listens intently to what he is babbling about. I'm not sure she even understood him, but it does not seem to matter. She looks over his head at me and grins. Not the "I pity you" or the "I offer understanding" grin, but a true "I'm enjoying this, he makes me smile" grin. You know the difference. 

Is it because he's special? I'd like to think so. But not because of his special needs. I'd like to think it's because of his personality. Because of his love of life. He touches people. To their core. They respond to him viscerally. I believe he brings them joy, makes this world a better place. And it seems, so do others. The special ed coordinator at his school left this comment on my facebook post: "He is a very special boy. Brings joy to my heart." Mine too Mr. D., mine too.

Lets Say Yes

I recently read a blog post written by a mom of 2 typical kids. It was about her encounter with an autistic boy. And it was beautiful, she was beautiful. It was the kind of post that gives me hope in humanity, that our special kids will find and have a place in this world. But it also got me to thinking.

In the post she quoted the care taker who repeatedly told the boy "no". In an attempt to encourage more socially acceptable behaviors, she would tell him he couldn't do what he was doing. And the blogger (although not trying to contradict the caretaker) told him yes by her actions. Yes, he could interact with her how it was most comfortable for him. She would meet him in his space. 

And it made me think. I started wondering how often I tell Bambam "no". Do I tell him no just because what he's doing is not the norm? Just because it's not the socially acceptable behavior? Is my son growing up in a world of "no's"? That is not what I want. 

This is not an issue at home. Home is the safe place, where he can just be. But when we are out if public, do I try to control his behavior more than I should? Do I try to make him conform? Do I constantly tell him "no"? I don't really know the answer to this. But I'm going to pay close attention from now on. Bambam deserves to be told yes, that he is OK. Just as he is. Stimming and all. Perfect the way he was made.

Money Matters

How do you instill in your children the value of a dollar? For me, this is huge. I watched my parents struggle financially for years, culminating in a bankruptcy when I was in high school. It was traumatic for everyone involved. And I swore I would never put my family through that. For me teaching my kids financial responsibility is high on the list, right behind providing a loving and nurturing home and providing them with a solid education. As I said, this is huge for me.

With Miracle Boy, I've been working on this since he was about 5 and started receiving an allowance. I know, the decision to give an allowance or not is a personal one. I chose to do it. Mostly because I wanted to start teaching him how to handle money. That and I'm a firm believer in NOT buying your kids something every time they accompany you to the store. Actually, I believe in gifts for holidays and birthdays and not in between. So, I thought a small allowance would provide him with a little disposable money of his own in which to learn about finances. And its amazing how quickly a child will decide he doesn't need a new toy when its his own money he's spending.

So, at age 5 he started receiving $5 a week in allowance, one dollar for every year. That sounds like a lot, right? $20 a month for a 5 year old. But, and its a pretty big but, he was required to put $1 into long term savings and $2 into short term savings per week which left him $2 a week for disposable income. And here is where the financial 101 lessons began. As he looked at me with those big, brown, puppy dog eyes he asked me what a saving account was and why he needed them.

I explained to him, long term savings are for big things you may need many years from now. For example a car when you turn 16, or to help pay for college (retirement was beyond his comprehension). Short term savings are for things like birthday presents when you are invited to a party, or Christmas presents for your family and friends. The money you keep in your room is for you. You may spend it how you choose (with mom approval) either every week, or waiting and saving it for something big. And thus, his financial education journey began. 

At 6 he saved and bought a huge Lego set. At 10 he bought a snowboard. At 14 he bought new golf clubs. At 16 he bought an iPhone. At 14 he also started working and was taught to save half of his paycheck. Since he was 5 years old he has purchased all his own gifts for others for all occasions, he has bought all his own electronics, he pays for his own entertainment, gas, spending money, etc. And he still has his long term savings for college which is coming in handy right about now. (OK, so we provided a car for he and the Quiet One to share. Its not like we were against providing anything)

Its not like there haven't been bumps in the road. There were years when he ran out of savings before buying gifts for everyone at Christmas (and many tears shed). There were times when he was invited to go somewhere, but he'd spent all his disposable money that week already (and more tears shed). There are times now when I look at how he spends his disposable money and I think to myself, "wow, I have failed miserably". And there are still discussions on how to handle money. He's working full time this summer. I think he should be saving 75% of his paychecks for when he's in school. He wants to continue saving half, spending the rest "enjoying his last summer with his friends". And I struggle with how much control to exert, and how much to just let go. He's now (almost) 18, leaving for college in 6 weeks. It's probably time for him to start learning his own lessons from trial and error. I just hope he's learned enough of the basics to get him through those lessons. It better be; he's not living in my basement when he's 30.

Anxiety

Sometimes the strangest things will set off Bambam's anxiety. And I don't know why. Recently we were at a sports festival at the fun house. And Bambam was having a great weekend. He tolerated crowds much better than in the past. We attended the small concert on Friday night where he had fun dancing with the other kids and listening to the music. We spent Saturday at the pool which was very crowded and he handled it just like a pro.

Encouraged by Friday night's success, we then went to the amphitheater for Saturday's concert. He was immediately tense. It was louder, there were more people, seating was at a premium. We finally found seating on the outskirts, which was better for him anyway. 

There were several vender booths around, one being a "stuffed banana" booth. I'm not really sure what you have to do to a banana to stuff it, nor do I want to know. I like my bananas in there natural state, thank you very much. But sitting in a chair in front of this booth was a HUGE toy banana with a face including a big, red nose. Bambam was intrigued by this banana and especially the nose which he took to "tweaking". He would run over, tweek the nose, then run back to where we were sitting. He wasn't really bothering anyone, lots of kids were running around. So we simply watched him and let it go.  

After about half a dozen trips, we could see the vender say something to him. We couldn't here him. But he was smiling, didn't appear to be raising his voice or have any concerning body language so we weren't too worried about it. Bambam came back to his chair and said "don't touch nose". I'm sure he was echoing what the vendor had said to him. Which is totally fine. If every kid tweaked the banana nose, it would probably fall off. And perhaps we were a bit too lenient in letting Bambam do it over and over. Seems we are much more accepting of borderline behavior from our special needs kid than we are of our typical kids. But that is really a topic for another post. 

Anyway...its now a couple of weeks later. And Bambam is still showing signs of anxiety about the "banana man". Anywhere we go he asks "Banana man be there?" At night he asks "Banana man went home?" For whatever reason, this exchange bothered him greatly and is now a source of anxiety. And I can't really figure out why. The man was not angry or threatening. It seemed like a benign interaction. The only thing I can piece together is that he was already stressed by the crowds, noise, music and the banana man is what he is associating with that stress and anxiety. But that is just my guess. Parts of that boy are still a puzzle to me. 

The Look

We were back at the fun house this past weekend. And it was First Friday. Which means that downtown is packed with a festive environment of sidewalk musicians, art, vendors, beer and wine tasting, and all the quaint stores are open late. It also means crowds and noise and chaos.

But, since Bambam has been doing so many great things lately, we thought we would try it. First up was pizza by the slice from the hole in the wall pizza joint that we like. Bambam loves their pizza and we usually get it when we go downtown. But its not usually this crowded. As soon as we entered, he stopped in his tracks and grew tense. He had told me right before entering that he needed to use the bathroom. So, even though he said immediately upon entering that he wanted to "go back outside" I made him go use the bathroom first. I barely had his shorts back up before he bolted out the bathroom door and made a beeline outside. No way was he staying or going back inside that crowded place.

On my way chasing him outside, I spotted a mom pushing a special stoller with a 7 or 8 year old girl in it. She caught my eye, she smiled at me as I chased Bambam out the door as he's yelling "go outside now, go outside NOW". And I knew, she knew. She was "our kind". With no words her look and smile encouraged me. She let me know that she understood, I was not alone. We were doing OK. A thousand words and thoughts were exchanged in that silence. And I smiled back hoping to convey to her what she had given me in that brief, silent exchange.

Poop

I recently read that if you are a true autism blog, then you will have at least one post about poop. I don't really consider this an autism blog, its actually about our whole special, blended family. But a large majority of my posts involve our journey with autism. And I have talked about poop. But I've not had a whole post dedicated to it. Until now. 

Last night we hit a Major Milestone. Bambam pooped on the potty! And I mean a real poop. Sufficient amount, with pushing and control and everything. THIS.IS.HUGE. 7 1/2 years in the making huge. OK, well maybe not really 7 1/2 years as no one expects an infant to poop in the potty. But at least 3 solid years of s.l.o.w.l.y working on this from every possible angle. 

To say we were excited is the understatement of the year. Bambam showed every member of our household. Yup, every member of our household came into the bathroom to look at the evidence and congratulated Bambam. I know that sounds weird. But EVERYONE has been working with Bambam on this goal for 3 long years. And everyone was beyond excited. And Bambam reveled in the attention and congratulations. We even took him to the fireworks stand where he got to pick out anything he wanted. Which is a small miracle in itself as until last year he ran screaming from even the thought of a firework. But that is another post.

I realize this is not a done deal. We most likely have weeks, probably months, of accidents and trial and error. But my son pooped on the potty and I am beyond thrilled. Way to go son!