Personal Responsibility

In our house getting ready for the new school year includes not only school clothes shopping, and haircuts, but also trips to the dentist. In the past 2 days I've dragged all 3 kids to the dentist.

Miracle Boy was first. Teeth look great, no decay. But a broken tooth from an unfortunate incident with a surf board last summer! I remember the incident. He told me about the 2 broken brackets on his braces and we got those fixes. No one mentioned a broken tooth, not him, not the orthodontist. Sigh. It's getting fixed now. Luckily, there is no decay and he should be good as new shortly.

The Quiet One was next. Not so great. 8 cavities. 8 cavities in one year??? At least I think it's 1 year. The Quiet One came to live with us full time last summer. I'm assuming his mom took him to the dentist regularly before that. I'm pretty sure she did. But, 8 cavities??? Wow. A BIG lecture from the dentist on personal hygiene and diet (read stop going to 7-11 and buying junk food and energy drinks). 

As I stand listening to the dentist tell me about his 8 current cavities that need filled and the dozen more they can see forming in the x-rays, I'm left speechless. This is difficult for me. For lack of a better term, I "inherited" The Quiet One last year at the age of 15, almost 16. Let me repeat, almost 16. Almost grown. Habits formed. Attitudes firmly in place.

And here I'm going to insert the back story:

Mr. Fixit and I starting dating when The Quiet One was 2 and Miracle Boy was 3. 6 years later, when the boys were 8 and 9, we married. I've been around for potty training, starting school, learning to tie shoes, learning to read, etc. But, since The Quiet One lived primarily with his mom, I was always sort of on the outskirts. I was not the primary caregiver, disciplinarian, teacher. I offered support and reinforcement when he was with us, but didn't take a leading role. I don't like to step on anyone's toes.

When The Quiet One was 10, he was living out of state with his mom. Due to distance, our visits were less frequent. And we could see changes happening. At that time I had a frank conversation with Mr. Fixit which went as follows: "You need to do what you can to get him up here full time. We can see what is happening. He is struggling in school. He is struggling with making appropriate choices and gaining personal responsibility. He needs more assistance and guidance now. I do not want to wait until he is a teenager with bigger issues before he is shipped up to us as a last resort." There were a myriad of signs that things were starting to go in a questionable direction for him. My big fear was that I would get a teenager failing school, dabbling in drugs, etc. With another teenager and a younger child in the household, that was cause of great concern for me. Right or wrong, those were my feelings. 

Flash forward 4 years and we get a call in early June. The Quiet One's mom caught him smoking pot and is sending him up to us right now (2 weeks before school is out) for the whole summer. He is just finishing 8th grade. He has a cumulative GPA of a 0.83. I do not understand how a kid with a 0.83 GPA is promoted from 8th grade into high school. (In my humble opinion this symbolizes what is broken in our educational system. But that is another post.) 

So we spend a summer trying to convince everyone involved that he should remain up here for the coming school year. But It's a no go. In August he goes "back home" to begin his Freshman year in high school. We did get an agreement that if he failed any classes his first semester or had any other trouble, he would return in January to live with us. January came with an F on his report card, but no child. Frustration does not begin to portray what I was feeling. Being in a position with absolutely no authority, who's opinion really doesn't count, and watching a child slowly failing was more than I could handle. I needed to either step in and do something, or wash my hands of the whole affair and not be forced to watch. I could do neither. 

During the 2nd semester of his Freshman year he proceeded to get charged with arson (set a garbage can on fire at school), fail 2 more classes, and get charged with possession of a controlled substance (on the school campus). Finally, at the age of 15, failing school, experimenting with drugs, and with 2 serious charges against him, he was shipped up to us as a "last resort". My worst nightmare, right?

Really, not so much. What I need to explain about The Quiet One is that he's not the "bad kid" he may sound like. He's a kid who needs a lot of guidance and quite honestly still needs some hand holding at the age of 16. He needs very clear rules and guidelines. Personal responsibility and accountability are not high on his list. His biggest problem is that he's a follower. And he got mixed up with "the wrong crowd". Being a follower, he did what his friends were doing. No homework and making very poor choices. We knew the first step to turning things around was getting him away from the kids he was "following". 

And what a difference a year can make. He has made up 2 of the classes he failed (tutoring through summer school), passed all his classes his sophomore year (not without struggles, loss of privileges, and lots and lots of hand holding), works part time in our business, and has not been in any trouble. School will always be difficult for him, our goal is to see him graduate. He is polite and respectful, his new friend's parents (whom we all know) enjoy having him over, he even has a girlfriend. That's not to say life is all rosy and perfect. Remember the 8 cavities? Its a far cry from arson, but we don't want him running around toothless at the age of 20.

As I said, personal responsibility is not high on his list. His room is a pig sty, he clearly doesn't take good care of his teeth, he leaves dishes and garbage all over the house, home work will not get done without reminding, nothing will get done without some prodding. This leads me to my current frustration: How to teach personal responsibility to a 16 year old. This is the age where we should be backing off, not stepping in. In two short years he will be moving on to whatever comes next for him. And I fear he will not be prepared. Is 16 too late to teach these things? I don't know, but we're on a path to find out. And we'll start with letting him know that after this round of fillings, he will be paying for any future fillings out of his own money. Welcome to real life consequences.

Wish us luck.