I understand that there are bad days. How would we recognize the good days if there were no bad ones? The bad ones serve a purpose, one being to help us recognize and savor the good ones. Even during the bad ones, I've always been a "glass half full" sort of girl. I believe in the motto "this too shall pass" and generally don't stay down for very long. At least in my prior life.
Enter Autism. A bad autism day is like a typical bad day on steroids. It can test my "glass half full" theory of life. And if there are several in a row, look out. Life with an autistic child is like living life through an intensifying magnifying glass. The bad days can be really bad. The meltdowns, the hypersensitivity, the inability to focus, listen, relate, sit for more than 1 minute. The constant jumping and bouncing, throwing, hitting, yelling, stimming, obsessing. Some days I wonder where this will all lead.
But just as the bad days can be really bad, the good days can be so amazing that I stand back in awe. The break throughs are hard fought and won and are such amazingly sweet victories. Absolutely.Nothing.Compares. Watching him successfully accomplish a new skill and then look at me (and I mean really look at me, in the eyes) and say "I did it!". There is just no sweeter moment for a mom. Little victories are just as sweet: a successful trip to the dentist where he actually opens his mouth, a completely clean and dry 24 hours, an appropriate social interaction with a child at the park, a successful day at school.
And sometimes you have to look for the silver lining in the dark cloud of a bad day. Yesterday was one of the bad ones. Really bad ones. A "call from the school" bad. After dropping Bambam back at school after lunch (yes, he comes home for lunch every day to decompress) I headed back to work. Within 20 minutes the school had called me. He was out of control. Hitting, kicking, throwing things. Unable to calm down. A full blown meltdown. After apologizing to my boss, I rushed to the school.
Not wanted to start the precedent of "if I act out, I get to go home", I instead stayed at the school all afternoon helping his team come up with ways to avoid this type of total meltdown, and what to do if it did happen. Step one was getting him to calm down. School is not the best environment to accomplish this, but we did our best. And after several 5 minute stints in the quiet spot, he eventurally got himself back in control. But as for working and learning, that part was done for the day. He was exhausted, eyes red and swollen from crying, and hungry. So, he had a snack, colored, told his aide about riding "Bert", looked at books until the school bell rang and I finally took him home.
However, once we got home, he did not get to use his favorite of all things, his iPad. We are trying to teach him the concept of rewards and consequences. We've been talking since school started about how he needs to be nice, stay in control, and work hard at school in order to get iPad when he gets home. This was the first day he didn't get it. And he was very dismayed. I wasn't sure if he was getting it, if he was making the connection. He just kept asking for his iPad. But, when Mr. Fixit came home I got my answer. Bambam almost attacked him with his monologue that went something like this: "Hi daddy I not nice school hitting kicking I no get iPad."
And that is my silver lining in this dark cloud of a day. He is beginning to get it! In the midst of a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, he is still learning and growing. And that quickly my tears of frustration turn to tears of joy.
Raising any child has its challenges with highs and lows. Raising an autistic child seems to me to have higher highs and lower lows. The roller coaster is that much bigger with sweeping hills and dropping valleys. It is exciting, scary, exhilarating, and most of all unknown. And yet isn't it the biggest roller coaster that always has the longest line? I've always said that parenting is not for the faint of heart. Parenting an autistic child? Well that's a whole new ride. Life is about the journey, hold on and try to enjoy that ride.
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