Ashamed

Yesterday we spent the evening with our good friends, kids included. Bambam loves to go to our friend's house. He's known them his whole life. Their girls are 2 and 5 years older than him and they adore him. Almost like older sisters or even little mothers. They are fiercely protective of him. 

We had a great evening eating leftover Christmas dinner and snacks, a couple of cocktails, and a game of dice while the kids played. Then, towards the end of the evening I looked over and saw some dark spots on the back of Bambam's shirt. Uh oh. My heart sank. I quickly grabbed his backpack and hearded him into the bathroom. Just as I suspected, a complete blowout. 

This is not unexpected. Bambam has been fighting a bug for about 4 days now. Between that and the holidays, he hasn't exactly been regular. In fact, we had nothing for a couple of days. I've been waiting for the blowout to occur. And when I say blowout, I mean up the back, in his shirt, in his pants, up to his belly button, down his legs, almost in his socks BLOWOUT. Had we been home, I would have dumped him in the shower. Instead I'm in a small powder room trying to clean him up with toilet paper and wipes. He doesn't want to stand still, tries to open the door, wants to go play. And I find myself getting impatient. 

To add insult to injury, I don't have a complete change of clothes with me. I have extra pullups (always) and a shirt, but no pants. Now I have to go ask for a pair of sweats to borrow for the ride home. And I found myself embarrassed. Somehow almost overnight I feel like things have changed. It's never bothered me before when he's had an accident at their house, I've even borrowed clothes before. There is nothing new here. But now he is 7. And he seems so much bigger. And he's made such huge gains in so many other areas. And it just feels wrong. And I want to leave quickly.

These are new emotions for me. I've never been embarrassed by anything about Bambam. He is a loving child with special needs doing his best to navigate through this world. And I was embarrassed. And now I'm ashamed. Ashamed that I was embarrassed. I feel like a bad mom unworthy of the love of this sweet boy.