Broken Hearted

My heart is breaking. My soul is heavy. I'm not even sure how to express in words the sadness I feel.

I took Bambam in for evaluations today. And all I can say is it was an epic fail. I know people throw that phrase around all to often these days. Its lost some of its meaning. But this was, in every sense an epic failure.

The evaluation was to start with an IQ test, move on the some social response testing, and finish up with some testing for ADHD. He lasted 15 minutes. During which he answered about 3 questions before his anxiety rose to the point that all he would say is "go home now, go home now". He didn't even respond to the question "can you show me your mouth". And I mean no response. Wouldn't look at the psychologist, didn't point, didn't have any expression, just repeated over and over "go home now, go home now." The doctor wisely stopped the testing at that point.

I am desperate. Desperate for some answers. (which I may never get) Desperate for some guidance and a path to follow. Desperate for anything. If no one can administer a meaningful test to this child, how can we determine where he is, what he needs, how best to help him. He knows where his mouth is. But he is unable to function in a testing setting with a stranger he doesn't know. And it breaks my heart to see him with so much anxiety, unable to do the simplest of tasks.

We realize that there is a very good chance we are dealing with some intellectual disability along with the autism. (one of the reason for today's testing) But my 6 year old knows where his mouth is. How do we determine how much of his response (or lack there of) is the result of intellectual disability and how much is the result of autism or anxiety or dyspraxia or sensory processing disorder or any of the many other labels that have been attached to him? Its overwhelming. And heartbreaking.

The next best thing is to have us, his parents, fill out several questionnaires about his behavior and abilities. I hate these. We've done them before on many occasions. And it never gets any easier. Being faced in black and white with the struggles my child faces on a daily basis is hard. Hard really isn't the right word. It's heartbreaking. Really. No, my 6 year old is not completely potty trained. No, my 6 year old cannot button his shirt independently. No, my 6 year old does not know his phone number, cannot read, does not play with peers his age... Yes, he perseverates on the same topics, talks incessantly, doesn't understand facial expressions... The questions go on, and on, and on. And I know all of this, I see it every day. But to have to put it down on paper where everyone can see it in black and white. Well, it nearly breaks my heart.

This is such a painful process. But I am so desparate for answers, or at least some guidance and help. And I'm not sure I'm going to get it.  My heart is breaking and my soul is heavy.