The Boy and I were at the pool the other day (where we are nearly every afternoon during the summer) and a girl runs up to him shouting "R! R! Do you remember me? B from first grade?"
This beautiful young lady was in The Boy's kindergarten and first grade classrooms, but moved out of state part way through first grade. He saw her once in second grade when she came back and visited the school. They haven't seen each other in almost 2 years. But as soon as The Boy walked out the door to the pool, she recognized him and ran up to greet him, like they still see each other every day at school.
They played together off and on for the 2 hours we were at the pool that afternoon. Reconnecting a friendship that started in kindergarten. A friendship that started because of the kind, thoughtful heart of this young lady.
The first day of kindergarten Miss "B" watched as I helped The Boy find his name above a hook and then place his backpack on the hook. I could see her out of the corner of my eye with a thoughtful look on her face as she noticed how he needed a little extra help, how he didn't talk much, how he shied away from the other kids and the teacher. I'm not positive, but I'm fairly certain she noticed his death grip on my hand with her keen sense of observation.
On the second day, she was waiting at the door when we arrived. She greeted him by name and said "come sit by me in morning circle." This became the morning routine.
I watched throughout that school year as the relationship developed. I'll admit I was a little concerned that it would be a care taker/dependent relationship. But what I watched unfold was a real friendship. True, there were times when she was clearly his helper. Like the first time he attempted a fire drill (with noise cancelling headphones of course). When the alarm went off, she was immediately at his side, holding his hand, reassuring him that it would be OK. She guided him out the door to the field where the class gathered. Her genuine concern for him was obvious. (I was there in the wings just in case it all went to crap and he needed to escape.)
But I watched them at recess too. Where they played with each other on the playground, laughing and having fun. I watched on field trips when she asked him to sit with her on the bus and they looked at books together. Always books about heavy equipment or airplanes, his favorites. I'm sure these wouldn't have been her choice, but she was probably one of a few 6 year old girls who could name all the construction vehicles. Yes, she tailored their activities to his interests, but she was clearly enjoying it too.
The last day of school as the class walked to the nearby park, they skipped hand in hand, her singing silly songs as they giggled and laughed, stopping to pick flowers or look at a bug. I walked a few paces behind and realized that my boy had a friend. His first friend. A true friend. A friend who valued him and all his unique quirkiness. Someone to sing with and laugh with and skip down the street hand in hand with. All because of a little girl with a beautiful heart.
To those who say kids with ASD struggle to develop true friendships, I give you "R and B":
P.S. I'd like to say the story ends with her having moved back to our town and their friendship continuing to blossom. But no, she was just here for the day. She no longer lives out of state, but in a town a few hours from us. I'm hoping this means she will be back to visit occasionally. And she's no longer a full head shorter than he is. :)
I've waited a week to write about this. My emotions are still raw. I'm trying so hard to practice the patience and understanding I want others to give Bambam, but honestly I'm struggling with it.
About a week ago, one of my "friends" approached me to discuss an incident that occurred at her house 2 months ago. We were at a gathering that included kids, about 8 total ranging in age from 7 to 13. As she told it, the kids were all in the room above the garage (with no adults present) when Bambam started throwing things. So one of the 13 year old girls thought it was a good idea to LOCK HIM THE BATHROOM. At that point, one of the other 13 year old girls tackled her in order to prevent that from happening (I love that child). As you can imagine, a whole fiasco ensued.
So my "friend" said that basically Bambam, wasn't welcome in her home anymore as he caused this incident. Um WHAT?!?! I have sooooo many issues with this I don't even know where to begin.
The most obvious issue is since when is the victim of a bullying incident the one to blame? And make no mistake this is a severe case of bullying. There is NEVER A REASON TO LOCK A 7 YEAR OLD SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD IN THE BATHROOM. Adults go to jail for that shit. YES, I'm mad.
I gave her this analogy: if there is a bullying incident at a school and another child stops the bully with violence, the school would never call the parent of the bullying victim and tell them he wasn't welcome at their school anymore as he caused the violence. It is ridiculous. Not to mention that in this case the victim is a 7 year old, with significant developmental delays. And the other kids are 13. Really? Your going to blame the weakest link? The one who has no way to defend himself? I am so disappointed.
She then suggested that we get a sitter and leave Bambam at home whenever we have gatherings that include kids. Um yah, because social isolation of anyone different is always a good answer. I think that has been tried a few times over the years. Most of humanity usually has a problem with it.
Look, I get that including Bambam is not always easy. He's big, and noisy, and physical, and can easily get disregulated and loose control of his body. Words often fail him so he uses actions. I get it more than anyone else, I live with him 24/7. I understand that we are asking a lot of our friends, and our friends kids to include him. I know that it takes a healthy amount of patience and understanding to to do so. And maybe we're asking to much, I don't know. But the answer is not excluding him. It just isn't.
Bambam loves other kids. He asks to play with kids every day. When we tell him we are going somewhere, his first comment is "Kids will be there? I play with kids?". He would never purposely hurt another child. There could be a number of reasons why he was throwing (although this part of the story is inconsistent between kids, some say he wasn't out of control at all) but it would never be with the intent of harm. And we've told all the other kids that if Bambam is struggling then they should come get me or Mr. Fixit. Its our job to monitor him. We are happy to stay in the same room with him when ever it is necessary. Or temporarily remove him from a situation that is getting overwhelming for him. There are many positive ways this could have been handled. And yet it wasn't.
So here I sit not really knowing what path to take. I'm mad and sad and disappointed and discouraged. Because if I can't ask my "friends" to offer the patience, understanding, and accommodations necessary to include Bambam, then how can I ever expect anyone else too? Sigh.
As I've said before, we have great friends. And one of these great friends invited us, including Bambam, to their Superbowl party. Lots of food, laughter, a few cocktails, kids running around, the game on the big screen; just lots of fun.
And Bambam seems to enjoy these gatherings. He still mostly engages in parallel play; but he loves to be in the same play room with the other kids. And he watches what they do. And sometimes he even mimics them. Case in point:
2 of the other little boys (age 6) were dropping little lego men over the balcony to the stairs below. Bambam watched them intently, and then he tossed what he had in his hands over the rail. Unfortunately, he was holding a 15 inch, heavy plastic doll chair. Kuh thud, kuh thud, kuh thud. Luckily, nothing broke, nothing fell off the walls, no one was hurt.
And because we have awesome friends, no one was mad or upset. They get it. They understand that Bambam was not trying to do anything wrong. They understand that this was his attempt to join in, to interact and play WITH the other boys. As for me, I was even a little proud of that. We celebrate the small steps.
But, I still had to deal with the fact that he threw a large, hard object over the railing to the stairs below where kids were running up and down. So a new rule was instituted: No throwing anything over the railing. Things need to be black and white for Bambam, no exceptions. The other 2 boys shrugged their shoulders and scampered off to find some other mischief. And the party continued, the game played on. No harm, no foul.
I love our friends.
